You know that feeling between your eyelids, when you squeeze them tight and shut after just crying, and that warm hot tingle that happens and makes you breathe in deep and spreads the loss and the sad into your blood and bones? Do you know that feeling? Then after comes that wet coldness. That hard lump that moves down your throat and remains in the pit of your stomach, like a cinder block around the legs of a drowning victim. You begin to sink.The worlds swirls, and you are still.---
I am in love with you. I love everything about you. From your insecurity to your fucking stubborn drunken alter ego. I love even the things I hate about you. I love the things that i know about you, that you try to hide. I love your depression, and I love your smile. I love your anger. Your inability to commit. I love that you are just at lost as I am. But you can never know these things. Because I am too afraid, too weak to tell you. The words are caught in my throat like a clogged drain. No amount of spewing and coughing will push them past the fear of losing you, any form of you.
I would rather suffer silently, then lose the contact the friend, the shoulder, the ear, the words, and the expression. the you. I would lose myself for you.
---
Dear ____,
Regina tried to help me write this. But I feel like there is no other way to explain to you what is wrong with me than to just say it. I love you dearly, and this is quite unfortunate. I am sorry. I hope you can forgive my love. But how I feel happened without my conscience consent. So don't push me too far away. I just needed you to know all the things i was choking on.
yours,
Christine
---
In my mind you are light. You shine through my eyelids when they are closed. You catch my head as it falls. You don't know. Know, how you've changed my life. Altered the seams permanently. Permanently. I just want to pull you into me, and stroke your hair, and kiss your warm face, and hold you, i want you to hold me. I want to feel protected again. I want to stare into your smiling face. I want more than our strange friendship. I want you to change your mind. Its been months now, and I have not progressed from this thought, I've not moved from the place you left me standing, because nothing could fill the void you left. Nothing. No One. No distraction. There is no other touch i want, there is no other kiss i want. There is no other who can possibly compare. You've changed me. You Open me up, and pull me out. I am only real in your presence. You don't see yourself as I see you. All the beauty you give and possess, and all the beautiful words that you unknowingly speak. Let me hold me. Let me. Because I love you, and theres no going back. I love you. Understand, I am a mess in your presence, you shake me. You don't even know it, but you shake me from the outside in. I could love you, the way you should be. Let me show you that you deserve love. Let me show you. Let me in. Love me. Be with me. Because I can't stop what you've started.
---
you. possess.
me.
